Distinguishing the truth is one of life's most difficult obstacles to accomplish or master. It amazes me how gracious life can be at times there will always be doubts, disbelief, defeat and dishonour. Life is full of preconceptions that are brittle and brisk. Some may say that life is what we make it but some people are lucky than others. You can't buy the realisms of chance to master luck you have to learn to take risks. Understanding the art of luck depends on the array of courage to break down the spectrum of visualisation. Never was there a time in my life I had an aptitude for visualisation than through out 2008. I was some what isolated from the real world a hidden force to be reckoned with. The full blow of boundless energy that my mind released was like an epic motion picture that had no ends or limitations. My life and past is so complicated that it is hard to describe or explain. People wouldn't believe the full complications of my past. It weren't until I started writing this book the more I opened up about my past with help of visualisation. There where moments of full gentleness and extreme openheartedness. There where times of huge vulnerability but my sharp and evoke imagination really took on new depths and opened up new escape routes. A part of my visual skill made it easy for me to look back and try to analyze things further down the scale. Underlining coincidences, destiny and fate depends on how you question life as for my life it was like an illusion that spanned twenty three years. Soon it became a reality in middle July 2009 a time that changed my life forever.
It was a calm and pleasant Saturday night 18th July 2009 drawing close to twelve o' clock. I was deep in thought for a split second my eyes where drenched into my psyche. I was in my bedroom alone by myself. I was in the same mode as I use to be interacting with my mind to discover answers to questions that surrounded my thoughts. I was in deep observational territory as my mind slipped away just as I did for years. I was slightly out of sorts I was feeling different. I was a bit relaxed standing close to my bedroom window with a drink placed tightly in my hand. I locked myself away deep in solitude I fulfilled the need to do what I always use to do fill my glass with eight pieces of ice. I always left the ice in the glass for eight minutes and then I placed the chilled vodka and sweet energising drink into a glass. Most nights I use to just let the drink set for a while I didn't rush drinking I took my time naturally and admirable. I found myself locked in experiencing what I use to do experiencing the same routine on a nightly basis. Frantic and placing the same eight pieces of ice into the same glass. This night was different for me I was deep in thought as I gazed at my music system which was located by my bedroom window. I often was obsessed counting the numbers of seconds that appeared on the music system I used as an obsessive predicting process. I always tried to predict that my favourite numbers would appear whilst listening to all kinds of music.
The number eight is a number that I have huge obsession with it is one of only three numbers that I live my life around. The number eight is my favourite number followed by the number twenty and twenty three. Every night I gazed at the music system in an ambitious rage. My emotions was frozen I was in full competitive mode. I explored the law of averages theory to my advantage. Music was pounding louder and louder as my audio wireless headphones enabled me to listen to my favourite songs from my favourite music. I stood facing the music system in an array of boldness and a courageous rant. I started to contemplate predicting if I closed my eyes for a while the number eight would appear on time duration on my music system when I decided to open up my eyes again. This always happened every night when I slipped away into my playful expositor of my inspiring thoughts and dreams. I didn't even count the numbers in my mind I just closed my eyes as music continued to play as sounds got louder on my audio wireless headphones. My sheer boundless energy of my mind refused to count the numbers of seconds of every song. I took extreme methods of prediction as I closed my eyes even further. I wasn't satisfied with discovering my prediction for the number eight appearing on it's own I wanted more. I predicted to observe eight involving in other number sequences. The number thirty eight always got me annoyed for some apparent reason. I struggle to describe or explain the origins of my competitive ambition. It is something that has always been a part of my character today a sort of eternal antidote.
I observed one music soundtrack in detail and then I switched my attention to the next one in a split of a second. Popular music always got me annoyed and angry I always listened to music that fascinated me in every context and detail. Every night I use to get excited by looking over my huge music collection. This night my whole music collection was placed in a box next to my new bed. My heart was torn deep as I was thinking of what music I would listen to blissfully. This night I was only interested in listening to one song not any song but a song that left a huge impact on my life. The song was called Thunder Road by my favourite artist Bruce Springsteen. Excitement and relief burnt inside my heart it was one of those Saturday nights that I have never experienced before in my entire life. It was paragon and extraordinary. I was feeling quiet and content out of the ordinary with a sense of victory in the mists. My mind was calm and still unfazed about the urge to worry. I didn't have reasons to contemplate any further. The whole day was very colourful filled with surprises hours early in the day. It wasn't like any July I ever encountered before. It was a time that really drawn me to mystery and security.
Early hours of Saturday morning I done something I always use to question or refuse to do. I agreed on attending fishing with my stepfather. I can't explain why I agreed to go. I felt an urge to do so because I always use to decline on spending time with a man who brought me up as his own son. Not any man but a man who took me on as his own child ever since my infancy. For so long as a child and as a teenager as I was growing up I never gave the man any honourable recognition or imperious value. A more proud value than a domineering value this man never was domineering to me. In fact this man was the complete opposite to my own father he brought me up and he tried his best to bring me up the best way he could. He always put food on the table and always paid the bills. My stepfather was a worker and proud the fact he was a worker something I admire so much about him today. Friday night I was glued to watching the television. My music hero Bruce Springsteen was performing live in concert. It was weird minutes before entering the living room to watch the television something drawn me to the television. I had this glowing aching feeling inside like an eternal splinter rubbing against my mind. I knew that something special was on the television I quickly switched the television to channel two. Before I knew it Bruce Springsteen was live at concert. I was totally amazed and dead excited. I was amazed I didn't move an inch I had my reasons because Bruce Springsteen was my music hero.
I always dreamed what it was like seeing him perform on television and my dream came true. I was watching him perform live on the television and it was amazing. I got jealous witnessing people at the concert singing along to the classic Bruce Springsteen songs. This man was more than a musician, a singer or a songwriter no this man changed my life completely. I kept seeing this one CD in music retailers and on billboard posters. A man posing in a leather jacket and a guitar in hand I was soon fascinated and obsessed. I was like a detective or investigator trying to discover answers. I was twenty years old at the time. I soon gave in I was tired of witnessing the same man posing on front of CD sleeve covers I decided enough was enough. I saved some money together and I went into a music retailer and brought the CD. Before I knew it my life totally changed forever listening to the record. The same thing happened to me when I was thirteen I kept seeing another man posing on front of CD sleeve covers. When I was thirteen I was totally blown away by listening to that piece of music. This music record was different there was something about this guy on front of the sleeve cover posing. I have always been obsessed with observing picture formats.
It was a gift of mine that soon became one of my biggest inspirational tools towards my greatest hobby and talent. This CD sleeve cover was different. It told a thousand words a kind of innocence, power, presence and a feeling of prowess ability and skill. The way the man stood slightly posing with a grin of sheer brilliance on his face. This man soon changed my life forever. I have always been obsessed with music and music changed my life completely. Ever since a child in the centre of my life music had played an important factor in shaping the person I am today. Listening to Bruce Springsteen his lyrics and music totally enhanced ambition and determination to work on a dream. Memories of that very time flowed across my mind as I was watching Bruce Springsteen one of my heroes on television performing live. I had this scared feeling that he was going to perform a song that became a chapter of my life. I feared he would perform it. I was deep in thought trying to ease my biggest fear. It was only a matter of time until I heard the harmonica in tune leading the band.
Soon I heard the lyrics "show little faith, there's magic in the night, you ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright" and I feared the worst.
My worst nightmare came true a song that totally changed and influenced my life was in perform mode. I soon quickly got annoyed. A pounding sensation appeared on my heart a sweating and dizzy sensation this was indeed excitement. The artist nick named the Boss started to sing Thunder Road as the crowds sang and roared along lyric by lyric. I was angry because nights after nights I constantly listened to the song over repeating in an ambitious rage. I constantly played the song as loud as I could in my bedroom. I closed my eyes and constantly dreamed about how I could change my life around. Other times I just stayed in silence. Running on empty I constantly went back to the song a bit faster and louder in case I missed a lyric or two. I was dreaming and interacting with my psyche my future was visually alive in my mind like visual screens or chapters to a visual book. The song Thunder Road eased my mind more I listened to the song. My thought's where in my mind more I watched my hero performing my all time favourite song that really changed my life. I soon realised that I wasn't the only person who was influenced by Bruce Springsteen. I didn't move I was like ghostly spirit gazing to the television. My sister came into the living room and my stepfather who passed to get his fishing equipment saw me.
This was something I couldn't miss if I got up from the sofa it would have been one of my biggest regrets of my life.
I just lay on the sofa full of excitement and happiness seeing my hero singing my favourite song of all time. My stepfather came back into the living room and told me he was preparing sandwiches for fishing trip the next morning. I was at ease I just told my stepfather what I wanted on my sandwiches. I then just watched Bruce Springsteen finishing off performing the song with a grin on my face. A thought didn't hit my mind that I agreed on something I would normally pass on. An edge of fear was held in my heart from vein to vein and a gut feeling was inside a drenched feeling of reconciliation. I can't explain what made me agree to go fishing with a man who was more of father to me than stepfather. I always had this habit on agreeing on many things I didn't think through. Most times I just agreed on doing things to please people I was a typical people pleaser. I didn't like to see confrontations at all I just used a peace format to solve problems. I felt very strange when I returned back home for some reason I just wasn't the same Graeme I used to be. Something was missing as my mind tried to dig up answers but I got frustrated. For once in my life I had to bide my time and go with the flow. I had to wait till I unlocked the truth but I never knew anything of the events that was about to occur. For once I had to be patient but patience was never my best quality I was so impatient this stemmed from being brought up spoilt. When you're brought up spoilt you have attendance to be blasé or pig headed. Most people can be pig-ignorant if they can't get what they want.
I feel spoilt children become very less likely to stand on there own feet and in my case that was so true most times. I can't describe or explain why my mother spoilt me. A part of me often thinks maybe she done it because she wanted to follow being a better parent than her own parents. She always offered advice, direction, guidance and help. A great parent that's what my mother was. My mom was the biggest influence on my life. She was the ideal parent and she done a fantastic job and I am very proud of her truly. Some times odds go against people when they do things in life. In my case my mother had a taste of what she did to her children in later life when her children became idol by being spoilt. My mother was as she is today a fantastic person, a fantastic parent and above all else a fantastic human being and teacher. She did everything for her children with the up most respect and something I am very proud of completely. My natural qualities come from my mother but my stubborn impatience comes from the fact I was brought up as a spoilt child so I always imagined. The whole very implications of being brought up spoilt totally put me off spoiling children if I ever became a father.
There is times when I think about fatherhood other times I decline I have my own reasons. I had that mentality ever since I approached my late teens maybe I realised a sense of being a young adult. The very thoughts hit my mind when I returned back home I still was trying to figure out why I was so content and relaxed. Weeks prior I did agree to go fishing with my stepfather when my mother contacted me whilst I was in Scotland. I agreed instantly a part of me was still tensed I was worrying in case I done what I always done agreeing on things I didn't want to do. The truth is I soon got over the fact of being stressed about the whole situation when I returned back home. In fact I started to look forward to it. For years my stepfather took up fishing as a hobby with his work mates. It soon took over his life he found a perfect niche as an escape route to get away from all his troubles and fishing was my stepfather's hobby. All his life he worked a working man's life his weekends was his pride and joy and when he took up fishing as a hobby it really worked for him. My stepfather always has proud posture about fishing. It is a simple hobby for him as I observe it more clearly I think my stepfather found fishing as an ultimate escape route. The whole experience fascinated him clearly the excitement and mystery fishing gave him was priceless. I saw the excitement fishing brought him when he showed me pictures of different kinds of fish he caught from far away destinations. All the dedication, effort, patience, passion, self-discipline and time he put in when he went fishing with his work mates.
I clearly understood the qualities my stepfather had when it came to fishing. I fully understood where he was coming from when it came to discussing the art of fishing. The natural divine passion and love came from his tongue and his facial expression showed sheer excitement. I related to him with the sheer heartfelt words same qualities I used towards how I use my visual creative talent. Music totally turned my emotions and feelings upside down. Saturday night was slow as I sipped my drink slightly as I stared in silence gazing up at the sealing. I was deep in thought interacting with my illusive mind to go back in memory trying to discover the answers to questions that affected my entire life. I was in a mood that I struggled to describe or explain. A thousand thoughts surrounded my every move. I locked myself away back in a place where I mastered my talent and where I discovered extreme measures and methods to gain inspiration. My bedroom was my greatest work of art and my vivid and visual inspiration. I returned back home July 16th 2009 on a Thursday night after a short domestic flight from Scotland. The plane journey was very different on the other hand unbearable.
It had been three months since I left England to move to Scotland. I was slowly going back to the life I had lived for over four years. Not any life but a life that totally ruined my self awareness and self being. Four years I lived in a nightmare that had no key to my rescue. For nights on end I gave up in life I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. I slipped away into my own visionary world. I was puzzled like God was standing in front of me whispering me answers wrapped up in the power of fate coming to my rescue.
I was confused and lost in society just as I lived in my teens. I slowly went back to a life of madness which had no survival edge so I use to think. It was Saturday night I was fuelled with the sheer portrait of the visual brilliance of my ideas that was in my creative illusive mind. Deep enriched fragments of ideas that covered three and half years of ambition and hope. That period of my life I was on a quest to achieve my greatest dream of all. Not any dream but a dream of ambition and hope to be accepted and to be recognised. The night was fuelled with emotional passion and warmth. Outside there was a sense of excitement and relief. My bedroom was covered with a magical force filled with electric vision only I could observe and touch. Music poured into my creative mind. The loud sounds of musical lyrics and sounds triggered my mind further. My ears where deep embraced into my audio wireless headphones which released more boundless energy.
I switched from listening to Thunder Road to Dancing in the Dark at ease that came naturally. I moved around my bedroom floor with a sense of visionary passion as I closed my eyes. Soon my creative ideas appeared visually like fragment screens brushing against my every will. My screen ideas where visual in my mind my characters where deep in thought as the camera was placed in front of them. AJ was disillusioned as he worked another night in Hell's Edge. Gabby finally found his way in life when he won Larry's trust as Larry gave him a chance to make something of his life. My creative ideas where fragments of my confused and troubled past. I listened to song after song that night. In sense of excitement I over repeated the songs I listened to with a sheer obsessive nature. I then went off around in my bedroom I visualised and improvised being the characters I visually created. Something inside me that night brought me back to what I use to do on a nightly basis with an obsessive interest. For three and half years I lived that life every night without a care in the world. Truth is nothing else bothered me or interested me the slightest. I interacted with my creative mind to enhance my creative ideas. This night a part of me was some what different, fresh and new.
I was feeling out of place and some what strange. Hours before in the realm of a lovely sunny Saturday afternoon I received what I was waiting to receive for some time. I weren't expecting to receive the news quite soon as I thought I would have had to wait much longer my prediction was the end of July. It came to be a shock to me when I finally received the news I had been waiting for since early July. I was not expecting to receive the news the way I did. I never knew the events which was about to unfold on this day where to be influential and life changing. I switched my mind back to when I returned back to my family on Thursday evening July 16th from a short domestic flight from Scotland back to England. A part of me was feeling quite refreshed some what brand new. My mind contemplated about the events that was to unfold when I went back home. My heart was heartiest as I was quiet on the plane I gazed slightly at the beauty of the evening sky. I was excited the fact I was travelling back home my morale was some what different. I felt at ease I felt normal for a change I never felt this good for a very long time. I sensed I was the Graeme I was meant to be. The journey on the plane was quite tense as usual. I had been in this situation several times before since I first set foot on Scottish soil way back in January 2008. I was adapted to hectic and mentally exhausting journeys on a plane alone on my own with a newspaper in hand. I was often deep in thought in how I could achieve my true potential.
Those ideas I created which brushed against my heart, soul and mind where like a mahogany splinter filled with magenta fragments. Bob Dylan blowing in my ears as the lyrics to Like a Rolling Stone was attached inside my mind. Past plane journeys I was deep in thought as I was so desperate to prove I was alive all I could count on was countless dreams of being discovered. I strived to be found and longed gracious nights constantly listening to a flow of music as my source of escapism and freedom. The soul voice within was like a soulful self talk tool that was the only thing I could use. Thursday evening something was different as I waited to get on the plane to go back home. I walked different and I didn't have an anxious feeling straining on my heart like an object being smothered by a subject. I just wanted to be fixed in the aspect of being calm I was tired of getting scared to face things. The events where all around me as I was travelling back home I just never knew. To me every thing seemed normal same people rushing without a care in the world and bright lights from places. The Airport staff where different when I arrived to check in for my flight. Glasgow Airport was quiet and drenched in calm unwind gracious virtue. The very moment my thoughts was different I sensed something had changed or something had just happened.
I lost interest in getting a newspaper or a soft drink which I use to do rushing and getting scared in case I missed my flight. I was content in going home spending time with my family and that was something that I was interested in doing. Normally most times my flights where frantic and hectic filled with different people some heartfelt and others business like without a care in the world. This flight was very different from flights I had experienced before. I could cut the atmosphere down with a knife it was that content and silent in the airport. I was in a typical mood scared and very tense looking at people face to face struggling to give eye contact. I just needed a sense of realism I just missed my family back home that was something that was getting to me. My heart drenched within childhood grace memories locked in my mind. This very journey was a new chapter in my life a new memory I could record instantly. Truth is I wasn't scared no more because a part of me opened up a new self belief about myself. The plane was empty for a change which I liked. Most of the flights I got from England to Scotland vise-versa where always packed with passengers. Planes I caught where always filled with hearty souls and mine was very heartily most times.
I couldn't stand being surrounded by many people especially packed into a small plane. I had this stubborn way about me. I often had a problem thinking people where judging me for being indifferent. I knew deep down that I was thinking that way and no one else was. When I first escaped the environment I was a part of for my entire life and when I experienced Scotland for the first time I remembered a sense of divine beauty and passion to a new country. Although Scotland was a part of Great Britain and neighbours to England the country I was born in but I sensed a different feeling towards Scotland. Not any normal feeling but a feeling of sheer contentment. I soon became fascinated by a country that totally influenced me. This occasion Thursday evening not like any I encountered before all I cared about was to return back home. My inner self talk tool which was an important aspect to my life for once didn't create fear. I had to wait until the Saturday afternoon coming until I encountered the truth that would leave a unique mark on my life from then on. Thursday evening flying back home to England not once did I sense a fear deep within my heart. I sensed freewill and carefree thoughts I felt alive and I felt normal for once in my life. A sense of persistence was my problem I just wanted to get back home I really wanted to get back to my creative platform most of all.
I named my inspirational bedroom as my creative platform to gain inspiration that helped shaped my creative ideas. This period of my life I was drawn to objects and subjects that fascinated me deep down I was broken within. I was mentally exhausted at the same time. I was so confused and heart broken I didn't know what was wrong with me or what was making me do the same routine every night. I used my greatest place of wisdom my creative platform, my bedroom to think up ways to win back my true love. Since 2007 events affected my future when it came to real love. Everything in my life occurred in two fragment forms or sections. I always observed two sides to everything in life I am a firm believer in law of averages. I remember one late evening in early mid 2007 I was on my laptop on a social network site. I was obsessed with social network sites I found it amazing the thrill it gave me was incredible. The sheer excitement encountering people from a far and wide it really gave me a great sense of delight and pleasure encountering people all across the UK. I was tensed at the time music flowed from my audio wireless headphones as I checked my mail and checked who was online. My heart was kind of different like a ballpoint pen slightly running out of ink. My lips where dry and in need of a delightful cup of tea but something kept my attention on the laptop screen.
It was a typical late evening around eleven o' clock at night I had a cigarette in hand as I looked slightly at the front door. My eyes was drenched with a careful thought about what I was doing up this time of the night. Miller's Crossing theme by Carter Burwell was flowing from my headphones. Normal and ordinary people lived there lives a part of the system that we call life. People prepare to go asleep and dream for a better day as others fall into a magical state of inner peace for a while for me I found it difficult to sleep. I was puzzled the very thought of sleep I didn't know what it was like to go to sleep early. My eyes soon moved to gaze up at the sealing. I was locked into this routine which took over my life at the time I was unaware of what was about to happen to me. I was situated in the hallway close to where the front door was located. I was sitting for a while just thinking to myself as my laptop was placed in front of me on a dining table which was situated in the hallway. I had everything I needed all the cups of tea I craved for and an ash tray which was placed by the home telephone. I loved the fact I wasn't disturbed at all my family came to and from the living room to the kitchen without disturbing me which I loved completely. My guardians just left me alone. I was able to do what I loved to do be on my own. I think my guardians and my sisters found it difficult to understand why I was doing the same thing every night they were puzzled.
My mother tried to find answers but she struggled most times she never knew what was wrong with me. I tried to find reasons why I enjoyed this nightly routine but I got no where. This night was very different a part of me thought it was the same old routine and the same urge to waste time. The Christmas and New Year blues long passed away so fast in a vivid space of time. People where still star struck adapting to another new year and trying to be faithful to the resolutions they made.
I could never understand why people made new year resolutions I really didn't see the point I still struggle today trying to figure out the concept to resolutions. A part of me my inner self talk tells me it is because people have reasons to believe in something that they want to change. Life is difficult especially when you have to adjust to new routines or new situations. I always struggled to face new routines.
I pulled out another cigarette from a crisp cigarette box and reached out for a lighter that was placed next to ash tray.
I designed in a set order the lighter was placed always next in line to the ashtray I often put things in a routine pattern. I didn't know what made me do what I was doing I was obsessed with doing the same things every night.
I was listening to a song by a local group in my native city that was a part of my youth. I got put off if I heard music low pitched I always played music loud I had my reasons why I liked it that way. People around me struggled to understand why I listened to the same songs in set routine every day and night. The time was approaching quarter past eleven. The night was mild as I had a dozen things to do in my mind. I over repeated the song I listened to lyric by lyric it soon became a technique I used to gain inspiration later on in life. My mind was blown away more I tried to put all those things which flowed in my mind into one section part of a fragment. I slipped away from the realism in a split of a second from the real world I found myself attached to. The loud sounds of musical lyrics and music triggered my creative illusive mind further. Soon I slipped back and gazed at what I created with a pen in hand and piece paper placed by my laptop. I was tensed and taken back at what I had just done. I was trying so hard to control my obsession with social network sites. I felt the urge to go on my favourite social messenger site to get in touch with friends I slowly got to know on the net. I placed the cigarette into the ashtray and typed in my password and in a space of seconds I returned to the social site. The excitement was difficult to describe or explain I lost words to dub this phenomenon. I was so obsessed ever since I first experience the biggest drug that fascinated people all over the world that was of cause the power of the inter net. When I first experienced social sites I was blown away because at first it was all new to me I was always put off at first but soon I was proven wrong.
Network social sites where very popular and many people told me about the sites. I was always put off because I didn't know how to set a home page up. Soon I learned how to set one up and before I knew it I had created my very own homepage which was fantastic. Naturally I soon got obsessed with the whole concept of the inter net. I was online most of my time I noticed the same people who I encountered on one social network site which really annoyed me. Certain people I met really bored me. Many of my friends I made online was chatting to me but I lost interest very quickly I just wasn't in the mood to chat about material things in life. My eyes where drawn empty I was disillusioned by people I met on the net more tales of cosmopolitan society and the lust for greed and sex. The real captivating lust for greed really was a turn off for me most of my new net friends had different points of view. Most of them bored me with conversations about things that where out of their reach. Most times when I was online I wasn't one of these people who done the normal things. I wasn't interested in chatting about has-been or washed up celebrities or pampered football players who couldn't score a goal for life. Most of the male friends I met online was interested in the same debates about women and the lust for the joy of the occasional rendezvous.
I was more interested in conversations about real life issues that really fascinated me like the joy of living. I was quite deep in thought most times when I was in conversations with my online friends. I guess I was the perfect symbol of the internet generation a society of the net era. The internet was clearly a part of my life I found it difficult to live a day without being away from my laptop. Truth is I spent so much time on an accessory that was so important to me. I had reasons my laptop was the most essential ingredient in my life. People around me didn't know the reasons all they did was criticise me. People around me didn't have the slightest reasons why I spent so much time on a piece of equipment that became my best companion. Soon many people who became my net friends where sending me instant messages it annoyed me because I was trying to write at the same time. Every spare moment I had I quickly switched my attention to creating another draft idea. Before I knew it twelve people sent me instant messages. It was off putting because I had so much to do e-mails and letters to develop. These people became very inpatient if I ignored their messages.
In a short space of time I switched my attention to using my mind to broaden a sense of realism to the creative ideas I had just created. Before I knew where I was I heard a loud and distinctive nose a short and vibrant sound. In fact it sounded like a text message ring tone. At first I thought it occurred from the song I was listening to but I sensed somewhat different. I soon looked at the laptop screen with a sheer sense of investigation. A new instant message was sent I was taken back because as I looked closely at the person who had just sent me the message I was puzzled. I wasn't clear who the person was who sent me the instant message. A part of me felt like ignoring the person even deleting the instant message I had just received from an anonymous person. Something held a piece of my heart close to my conscious I felt like I knew this person. Soon I made a decision to respond and I clicked on the instant message it was from a person who blew me away. It was from a female who was beautiful and stunning looking. Heaven itself represented an exotic prestigious beauty. I was taken back naturally I couldn't remember who the person was at first. Deep down I responded to the person and the rest is history fate governed a piece of history that had just taken place. I was gullible and naïve to doubt fate at the time I was unaware of the coincidences, consequences and the events which occurred late in 2008.
I didn't realise that the law of average theory came to haunt me with sheer vengeance. A sheer sense of regret haunted me for the rest of my life. Sometimes history has a habit of repeating itself from the weirdest of places and situations.
My worst nightmare came true in early September in 2008 that drove me over the edge which made me become torn. I never knew what love was. I thought it was just something people believed in a fascination wrapped up in an exotic parallel fruit. I thought love was simply pure fiction or a format which gave people hope or a reason to believe. I never knew the real source of love some may say I was very inexperienced and young with how the world worked. Love was something I wrote about in song and poetry from aged eleven onwards I had my own picture of what true love was really about. I often observed peoples
behaviour when it came to showing affection most times I was confused. I chose another path to understand what love was all about simply by listening to music. Soon I learned about what love was all about constantly getting obsessed with lyrics. But I never was able to experience the real feeling to love the heart warmth passion of loving someone until early September in 2008. Scary thought was I never knew what I did when I responded to that wonderful gem I called paradise that sent me that very instant message. I never could predict the outcome. My worst nightmare was about to unfold in mid 2008 and I simply didn't read between the lines and hidden surprises which soon came into my life. Traumas and incidents that tested my own mentality at the time it was all innocent chatting to this female that fascinated me. The downside kicked in coming of time decisions was made and then unmade which happened over and over. Holding onto a secret is not easy as people predict it to be and in my case that was very true. I never could understand how powerful love was often as a child I tried to understand the devastation of true love.
The strain of confusion affected both my parents when they separated. In peoples eyes I was young but not all children are dubbed the way society dub children to be I was a different child. Love as I always questioned it was simply pure fiction I couldn't understand the art of a clandestine affair. I couldn't understand why men and women embarked on an illicit relationship. It fascinates me the very thought of people living life as a lie with hidden secrets. I shut out my emotions and feelings as I was on the plane travelling back home to Birmingham. Still thoughts surrounded me as I tried to turn my attention slightly about the events that occurred in September 2008. Prior to this very evening months had passed still I was trying to erase the memories which where glued to my mind. Still I was fascinated by the one person who was an inspiration that guided me to working on a dream to win back my true love again. Fate often opened up escape routes for me on the messy situation that I created myself that folded into love turmoil. I had this weird strain on my heart as I relaxed on the plane trying to think of an escape route. In another sense I felt relieved about many things. Still this strain weighing on my heart I couldn't disturb or erase I really knew what it was like to love. Doubts and thoughts of taking another chance often hit the back of my mind whilst I gazed all around the plane. My mind was at ease slightly it was my heart that was bothering me and causing problems not my mind. Even on the plane travelling back to Birmingham my entire life was alive visually in my mind.
Flashbacks occurred on things that should have happened and decisions I should have thought about clearly instead of rushing to please people. I was torn in deep divine love for a person I encountered through fate. Nights I use to listen to one song over and over again it was one song that represented my feelings to the real person I loved. I travelled back home I was totally unaware of events that where about to occur on a Saturday 18th July 2009 that changed my life forever. At the time my mind was on other things as hours passed by approaching Saturday afternoon. Yet it weren't until Saturday night I was in denial in my bedroom coming to terms with a lot of things. I just gazed down onto the bedroom floor and I was in silence. Music from my wireless audio headphones was putting me into an emotional state of mind. Events of twenty three years came back to me in flashbacks. I just couldn't believe what had happened to me hours previously in the middle of the day. My creative mind struggled to find words to describe or explain how I felt at this very moment. I was alive as I constantly listened to a music soundtrack from one film that became the film of my life. More I over repeated song by song from the music soundtrack the more tears blossomed with extreme proud posture and pride.
A mighty cry for freedom and victory propelled inside my mind a sense of victory was accomplished. My heart was imperious and my creative mind released more influential power within. In a state of sheer brilliance I closed my eyes and visualised a summoned report of my thoughts within my creative mind. I just couldn't believe the event what happened to me earlier in the day. Saturday morning I was with my stepfather and one of his work mates. We went fishing somewhere close to the region of Kidderminster in West Midlands. The day was so perfect I couldn't ask for a better day it was slightly cold in the morning when we set out early hours of Saturday morning. I sensed a cool calmness in the air as we set out around five o'clock in the early hours of the morning. My stepfather was totally shocked and bewildered the fact I got up an hour earlier maybe he thought I was the way I use to be. I proved him wrong when I got up I stuck to a promise I thought now was the time to start changing my ways. I felt alive for once no word could describe or explain how I was feeling. I really felt at ease when I got up although there was a sense of stubbornness when my stepfather came into my bedroom to wake me up. Truth is I wanted to spend time with him because twenty three years was ruined and wasted with saddened thoughts of regret. A part of me just wanted to focus on the now and the future rather than the past.
I didn't want to hold onto past memories of the troubled relationship I had with my stepfather that spanned early in my teens onwards to my early twenties. A part of me wanted to forgive and forget. I based a screen idea I created on my disillusioned and turmoil relationship with my stepfather when times where really against me in my teens. That period of my life I was like loose cannon I was out of control no body knew what was wrong with me especially my stepfather. He tried to educate me on the values his own father brought to him but it didn't work at all. I often hid away and often withdrawn myself in my teens I struggled to relate to people I was confused and troubled. Society had confused me on my own very origins I didn't have an identity. I always caused trouble all the time it was an obsession like many things back then I didn't know the real facts of the truth. My stepfather was in the kitchen getting the fishing equipment ready I got up and rushed upstairs to go into the bathroom. I sensed a clear fresh relaxed atmosphere. I knew my stepfather was looking forward to going fishing that's why I struggled to decline I couldn't let him down. I really felt it was time now to focus on the now and let go of the past. I really sensed something was different even the way I was thinking was different. A new leash of life was about to occur for me I was blinded by a light that I couldn't see at the time. I entered the bathroom quiet and silent as I brushed my teeth in a weird but very unusual way. I was calm normally I used to brush my teeth in the same routine eight seconds than a break followed by another eight seconds.
This time I was brushing my teeth in a different way. I soon washed my faced and then it soon came to me as I looked at myself slightly in the mirror I looked different. There wasn't a scared fear that turned my stomach no more I was relaxed for a change. I never done this before I sensed a change had occurred but I didn't question the reasons why I was behaving the way I was acting. I smiled only for a short while as I heard sounds coming from downstairs from my stepfather. I knew he was waiting for me although in pretence I sensed he was doing the things he used to do when he was getting ready to go fishing. I often saw a reflection of footsteps walking passed my bedroom door. I had a fantastic bedroom which was downstairs it was originally a dining room at first. I always wanted a bedroom downstairs I thought the idea was amazing. In fact my bedroom was nice and cosy I loved the idea of the mystery of being first person up every morning. Most times it never worked out the way I planned it to be. I had trouble sleeping most times I hardly slept at all nights I slipped away into my visual psyche. Most occasions especially in the early hours of Saturday mornings I always heard commotion coming from the hallway. I heard sounds of excitement wrapped up in a set of footsteps. I always found sound fascinating especially sounds from other people. Time and time again I always heard quick footsteps from kitchen to conservatory and then followed into the hallway.
In a steady routine it just showed the dedication and effort that my stepfather had for fishing. In fact as always I never could understand why he put so much effort into preparation but soon I did understand the more I thought about it a little more. There was a time I did something to my stepfather that was cruel one early morning approaching early hours I still was awake approaching six o' clock in the early hours of the morning. I was obsessed with staying up but I struggled to understand the reasons why. This period my relationship with my stepfather was very cold we didn't see eye to eye I was twenty one at the time. I had the urge to phone my stepfather on a withheld number I done it on spite when he did something to upset me the previous night before. I knew he left his phone on loud silent ring tone so I phoned him to wake him up early than expected. As he answered the phone thinking it was one of his work mates I struggled to restrain myself with laughter back then I thought it was funny. I heard him answer the phone thinking I was one of his work mates. I nearly gave myself up because I nearly burst out with laughter I had to put the phone down in sheer panic mode. A sense of a flash back hit my mind as I walked down the stairs the footsteps was full of excitement. I soon entered the kitchen as my stepfather was drinking his coffee. His behaviour was a sense of a child trying to find a hidden treasure brought me a sense of guilt. Guilt of what I did to him that morning when I pretended to be a work mate to wake him up early. My stepfather drank his coffee in a hurry and quickly rushed to the hallway to get his fishing equipment ready.
I saw a look on my stepfather's face a look I never saw before a look of passion and pride. I think it was the fact I made the effort to get up in the early hours of Saturday morning to spend time with him as we went fishing. Soon we both set out to go fishing I helped put fishing equipment into his work van. There was a variety of all sorts of fishing equipment which we put into the van two fishing rods which really caught my attention. I was getting excited because this was the first time I really wanted to learn from my stepfather about the art of fishing. There where a couple of times in the past we spent together fishing but it was always with my mother and sisters. Most times my stepfather always put pressure on me he often mocked me for not listening but he was unaware about a lot of things. It did annoy me when he tried to show me the techniques because I had trouble listening and paying attention to detail. This time I sensed in my heart that I was ready to listen and pay attention. I felt at ease as we travelled in his work's van. My stepfather worked on the rail for years he did he enjoy his job at times. I sensed a clear fresh morning was in sight. It was silent all around as we set off I had a surprise when we stopped at one of his work mate's house. One of his work mates who I gradually knew through my stepfather. His name was called Brian. I did know Brian in my early teens as I went out with one of his daughters. He was Northern Irish and he was very witty and had a superb sense of humour. He was gifted with engineering it was hard to believe he couldn't even read or write so legend says. My stepfather often mentioned several times to me that Brian belittled well to do ex-graduates at work. Brian put them on the spot about mistakes they made whilst on the job. In fact Brian mocked the ex-graduates far to the extreme of embarrassment.
Something my stepfather always told me all the time I think my stepfather had the up most respect for Brian. Truth is both men shared a real strong friendship. I was shocked at first because I weren't expecting Brian to come along but I didn't have any problems in fact I always wanted to be in the same company of the man. He had same accent as my grandmother and same sense of humour which was fantastic. Brian put all his fishing equipment into the van and then made his way into the vehicle. He used his witty and funny side to make a conversation at first. I did sense he didn't recognise me in the back of the van I had a feeling he might have thought I was someone else maybe a family relative to my stepfather. Soon he acknowledged me which blew me away. I was still tired as we where travelling on M6 motorway. I didn't have the slightest answer of the destination we where travelling to but I sensed it was far away. All I know was we where travelling close to Kidderminster. In my heart as I gazed out the rear window over looking the country side I sensed a calm feeling of inner peace. My stepfather and Brian were in discussion about fishing I just gazed slightly to get in on the conversation. A slice of outrageous humour occurred whilst Brian was talking he was so funny for some reason I could relate to him. In a weird way I really could I was thinking about how attachments identify friendships. More I gazed at my stepfather I could sense he was proud to have Brian in his life as a friend.
I knew deep down as Brian slightly moved forward to reach for something from his pocket that both men shared a passion for each other. A real friendship came across distinctive between both men as I was listening deep heartily as they discussed the excitement of there hobby they both shared. I was just overjoyed being in both the men's company I felt like a child the young one who was youngest of the pack. I sensed that this occasion was going to be a special occasion not like any other I experienced before. As my mind slipped away slightly thinking about being away from a new place I called home in the heart land of Scotland. A part of me missed the place which was my real home the heart of middle England. The journey started as we approached a junction off the M6 the area destination and surroundings was all new to me. I felt the same feeling I had when I encountered Scotland for the very first time. I sensed a belonging in a weird way not the same belonging I got when I stood on Scottish soil this feeling was different. I was still tired slightly in the early hours of Saturday morning. It was dead quiet on the road there was hardly any traffic which was lovely. I was put off by busy roads the sheer thought of being stuck in traffic jams really got to me. The thought of being stranded was my worst nightmare and a dreaded fear of mine. I loved to be on the move all the time whilst travelling.
As I tried to close my eyes I struggled I was engrossed to the road and looking around. Brian gave me a cigarette and a cold chilled can of cider which was great. I was confused a bit the fact of drinking alcohol in the early hours of the morning whilst travelling in a vehicle passing a junction bothered me a bit. Soon in a split second I just mulled it over in my mind placing a smile as I thought to myself. I was content and happy being in the company of my stepfather and his best friend made the experience greatly appreciated. I felt high and wide. I felt being in the scene from the film The Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne got ice cold beers for his friends accomplishing the impossible when he approached Warden Hadley. I felt I done something good but I couldn't understand what I done to get praise. Truth is my stepfather was proud the fact I was with him I over heard him discussing to Brian that he was going to show me the art of fishing. Brian could tell my stepfather was proud of the moment and I also sensed Brian was also chuffed I came along. I never thought my stepfather thought that much of me whilst in my teens but Brian started to ask me about life in Scotland. I was shocked I didn't think Brian knew about my move but soon I realised my stepfather must have told him. Some time later when I settled in Scotland something made me content soon after when Brian and my stepfather was telling jokes. I started to look more at my stepfather whilst he was driving memories came back to me on all the time we both wasted. A part of me I put the blame on myself because it was my fault.
I always had a mentality to set aims and goals to achieve but most times I failed but I tried. It was one of my greatest strengths of character persistence and one thing I found difficult to accept was failure itself. I did question myself in case my stepfather or Brian put me on the spot with a difficult conversation to talk about like fishing. I used my valuable self talk tool as a helpful aid that came to my rescue if I felt the urge to panic. For me I was lucky because I often turned my attention to my very own imagination for answers. Being tunnel visioned I imagined my stepfather and Brian had already asked me many questions to form a solid conversation so that helped me a great deal. I didn't have to stress or be biased I was able to relax. I did go back and think to myself about things to say I was on my guard. Never in my life was I free to be myself when it came to talking to people I was always critical to myself most times. I always craved to see how I came across in a conversation. All I could do was visualise being a person who I could imitate to get a better feel to situations. But that didn't work most times. Other times I used my observational techniques to overlook myself in front of a mirror or from a far side as I saw my own reflection. Most times I struggled to describe or explain things in a mere social conversation. I always struggled to hold a conversation face to face excitement was a big problem.
I spoke extremely fast with such tempo and pace. My mind was away often thinking about other matters. I was unaware of the causes that made me realise the truth. My mood was quiet as I lay back just thinking to myself about what was in store. My heart was carefree as my stepfather and Brian was talking about another topic as they where looking forward to enjoying the day ahead. I had this sense that this morning was different even more because I knew that this day was going to be a fantastic day. From an ecstatic choral I was back in my bedroom as my audio wireless headphones blurred out another influential song. I was deep in thought as I gazed over at a framed picture that was situated by the centre wall. I was silent and in pure ambitious rage. This very moment I was on top of the world only I could picture and visualise so long in my life I faced this situation night after night. A grin appeared on my face as I embraced another thought about what had happened to me hours earlier Saturday afternoon. From burning bout from Pandora's Box I felt my heart was becoming much heartier and heartfelt as my mind slipped away once more.
I walked slowly towards my bedroom and stood by the window as I adjusted the volume on my headphones. Drenched in blissful and electric emotion I was experiencing what I use to do countless nights. A glow feeling like a sensation of a heart wrenched dream occurred. I closed my eyes as music captivated my inner self imperious. Music triggered my memory as I slipped away indelible even more.
