Paul Grayburn 2009 on 'Walking on Broken Glass'

'Walking on Broken Glass' is about Paul Grayburn's journey through life with Asperger's Sybdrome and how it effected him and his family. We were so taken with it that we wanted to interview him to find out from the horses mouth what it was really like.

It is also a story of determination in getting to grips with Asperger's Syndrome and working with it to make his quality of life better and to help those people who care for these vulnerable adults as well as people who are newly diagnosed with the Syndrome.

BFK: How did it feel to write about all the severe traumas of the years up to the age 20?

PG: In many ways it was a sort of therapeutic process. It enabled me to look back at my past and to see my achievements as well as my failings. It was of course upsetting too, especially when reading through it during the lengthy editing process, it sometimes made me shudder just thinking about some of the experiences I endured as well as the true horrors of my behaviour.

BFK: Do you still suffer with anxiety attacks when you see people in authority i.e. Police on the streets?

PG: I wouldn't call them panics attacks as such, more vivid reminders of my past. I do have a lot of respect for people like the police, who do a demanding job in often difficult circumstances. Many I encountered in my past were always fair and professional. In the past I was very angry with authority figures such as police, doctors and social workers etc for making certain decisions which I regarded as unnecessary. Eventually I came to realise there were legitimate grounds for their actions and or concerns to my behaviour and there did come a point when something finally had to be done.

BFK: Do you feel you have been cheated of a decent upbringing because of being put into various institutions?

PG: I feel I cheated myself, especially when I think of all the opportunities I had but also all the things I could be doing now instead had I not ruined things back then. Sometimes I do feel the system treated me unfairly compared to others who seem at times to get away with far more or serve less time for more serious offences. However, I realise the only reason I was in hospital for seven years plus was due to the fact I refused to change or accept I had a problem until that point. If I had changed before then and stopped fighting the system I would have been released a lot sooner.

BFK: How did you cope when you were forced to stay in a psychiatric hospital for seven years?

PG: I look back and wonder just how I did cope. The truth would be that for three or four years I didn't cope, I merely worsened the situation for myself, I felt a lot of anger towards the system and felt misunderstood. I found it incredibly hard to trust people, much less accept the need for help not feeling able to voice all the anxieties and emotional turmoil I was feeling inside.

BFK: Do you think your life would have been much easier if people had listened to your parents about the problems you were suffering?

PG: I think I would have got help a lot quicker if there had been more rapid intervention or concern expressed to my plight, rather than the raising of hands in the air and the system not intervening until it was too late.

BFK: After prison you were in several different care homes - with all the key-workers that you had in them - do you feel that you became very attached to several of them because they seemed to take an interest in you where others had failed?

PG: Very much so. I respected these individuals for taking an interest into me and offering me the time of day and support. It was after all what they were paid to do but many of these people went above and beyond the call of duty in helping me and staying true, never backing off no matter what. This for me made them standout as special people because I needed them in my world, as with everyone giving up or condemning me, it would have continued to seem pointless and I wouldn't have got to where I am today without all the support I received from these specific people.

BFK: When did you realised that you had to change and if you had been given the correct treatment and diagnosis would you have changed earlier?

PG: I realised in 2001/2002 when I was twenty-two/twenty-three that I wanted more from life than being confined to a medium secure unit forever restricted and upsetting and alienating people all the time.

Yes, if I had been treated or diagnosed earlier I think it may have helped sway me into changing sooner or would have given me the hope and necessary support at an earlier stage.

BFK: Would you agree that if the medical service profession had known more about your condition that life would have been a lot earlier?

PG: I believe that it may have got me the required help or intervention sooner, which may have shaped my life for the better earlier. I think I would have felt more understood if anything or at least able to get specialist help into how I channelled my anger, anxiety and emotions making me very different to how other ‘normal' children behaved.

BFK: How is life going now and what have you been doing since your diagnosis  was discovered and agreed?

PG: My life is a lot better than earlier years, I have a much better quality of life yet still have my bad days and times of high anxiety/ frustration. I have near enough my full freedom again, but do receive professional help and support still. Since 2004 when I wrote the book, I have passed my driving test, got an A in GCSE English, have been doing volunteer work recently as well as a brief spell in employed work. I hope to go to college again in September where I aim to eventually pursue a degree in creative writing. I spend my spare time writing fiction, one of my passions. I also like to get out and about, appreciate the outdoors and have a keen interest in computers and gaming.

BFK: Have you taken the opportunity to talk to others about your diagnosis to help them get their diagnosis quicker?

PG: I have done in the past. In 2004/5 I gave several talks to new members of staff starting in the large care organisation of which I was being looked after by. I did a number of talks for new staff members in groups of sometimes 30 plus, to educate them on Asperger syndrome and what it is like from a sufferer's perspective. My aim with the book was also to raise awareness and if at all possible to help others through my writing. In the near future I plan again to be more pro-active, as helping people through whatever means and reaching out in some way is what I really want to do.

BFK: Some people do not get diagnosed until their forties and fifties, do you think you would have coped until that age or do you think you would have still been in a mental institution?

PG: I think it is debatable as to whether I would still be in hospital, I guess I may have changed my ways without a definite diagnosis, but certainly having the necessary understanding and support helped enormously. I feel that without this understanding and people not knowing what to do though, I could well have remained on my destructive path, angry with the world and misunderstood. However, I have to agree without a diagnosis I would have been in the system a lot longer. I never hide behind Asperger syndrome or use it as an excuse, but it does allow for understanding and help.